Pranks
by o.OminiO.o
Summary: Taniguchi ropes Kyon into helping him pull a prank on Koizumi.  However, this particular prank wasn't so well planned out... Itsukyon, notice the rating
1. Chapter 1

"Kyon, did you hear?"

I turned to look at the source of irritating noise behind me. How the teacher never got on her case about outbursts in the middle of lecture is beyond me, but that's beside the point. "Hear what?"

"Some jerks are pulling douchebag pranks on other guys. You really didn't know?"

"Taniguchi and Kunikida have been avoiding me" probably because they got the wrong idea about Koizumi's lack of personal space "so I don't know what's going on at all."

"Tch, I'd avoid you, too, if I could." Excuse me, but aren't you the one who's always dragging me along? "Anyway, the S.O.S. Brigade will be investigating." Aren't we supposed to be investigating_ supernatural _phenomenon? "So don't be late!" As if I could be. You'll pull me behind you after class.

It was after class and she had my tie in her hand, pulling me behind her, when Taniguchi stopped us and dragged me along with him, instead.

"So, did you hear?" I thought you were avoiding me.

"What about?"

"The sweet pranks around school." Yeah, I have, Haruhi described them as 'douchebag', I believe.

"Yeah, I have."

"Guess who's doing them." Judging by your triumphant look...

"You?"

"Yup. Kunikida 'n' me have been all over school, putting cocky bastards in their place."

"And you haven't told me before now because...?"

"We thought you'd tell the proper authorities like a good boy, but now we need your help."

"Why?"

"Cuz we're pranking Koizumi and you're the coolest dude that can get close to him." Too close, if you ask me. "So, will you do it?"

"Maybe. Depends on what it is."

"Sweet! Thanks, dude."

He jogged off, presumably to tell Kunikida.

I sighed heavily. Haruhi would surely be getting far past impatient about now. I was definitely in trouble.

"Late! Death penalty!" Called it. "What did Taniguchi have to tell you?" Quick, make something up.

"He tipped me off about the next prank victim." Believable enough, right?

"How would _he _know?" Hey, you can't steal my skeptical eyebrow!

"I didn't care to ask."

"Cool, we have our first suspects!"

She bounded over to the whiteboard and wrote 'Suspects' in huge letters. Underneath, the names 'Taniguchi' and 'Kyon' appeared.

"Why me?"

"Because you are an alleged accomplice." Eh, can't argue with that. I _did_ agree to help them out. "So, who's the next victim?"

"Koizumi."

"Me?" Finally, you drop that fake-ass amused grin.

"Perfect, we can set up a trap for the culprits much easier this way!"

Koizumi didn't look too excited about being used as bait, but Haruhi kept going like the whirlwind she was. She started drawing plans on the other side of the whiteboard.

"Wait, you don't even know when they plan to strike! How can you formulate a plan?"

With just a 'tch', she disregarded all logic and continued drawing. Sometimes I wished I could live like her, bending the very laws of the universe.

"Alright, this is the plan. If you don't get it, figure it out! Brigade dismissed!" How does she manage to grab her bag when she leaves so fast?

And, besides that, how does she expect us to read these plans?

"Confused?" If I can feel your _hair _on my _cheek_, you might be too close.

I backed off a couple steps before replying. "Her whole diagram makes no sense at all."

"It doesn't much matter, as her plan defies the laws of gravity and conservation of mass, but..."

He proceeded to explain the whole ridiclous plan to me (at a reaonable distance, of course), which was based around one of those stereotypical rope traps.

"Get it?"

"Since she expects this to work and it obviously won't, what are we supposed to do?"

"You underestimate Miss Suzumiya. Although, I do hope she doesn't bend the laws of physics for something this ridiculous." Agreed, but that doesn't answer my question.

"Whatever, I'm going home."

When I got home, my little sister immediately started bugging me to help her with her homework. The rest of my evening was spent helping her with spelling and fractions before finally cracking open my own books.

My mind and body were both exhausted when I finally dropped off to sleep.

I woke up to my sister bouncing on the bed long before my alarm was to go off.

"Kyon! There's someone at the door!" At this hour? Who the heck...?

"I got it, I got it, I'm getting up."

I rolled out of bed and went to the door, still in my pyjamas and tousled by sleep. I drowsily registered Taniguchi standing there triumphantly before slamming the door on his face. It's too early for this.

The doorbell rang out a few times, Taniguchi's indignant calls almost drowned out. I sighed, opening the door again.

"Ah, good morning, Kyon. Sorry about the early hour, but we're putting our plan into action today. You will give this" -he held up a cute little bento box- "to Koizumi."

"Not if I don't even know what's in it."

"A special treat."

"I'm not doing it if you don't tell me the plan."

"What if I give you a hundred bucks?" Well, if you put it that way...

I took the box and money from his hands, closed the door, and returned to my bed just as the alarm went off.

Ugh.

All too soon, I was trudging up that damn hill, schoolbag and overly-cute bento in hand, but a hundred dollars richer than when I had woken up.

I didn't run into Koizumi all morning, and all three of the brigade's female members were out shopping (more like extorting, if I know Haruhi).

Great, so I had to give a sickeningly cute bento to a guy with no personal space while alone in a room with him.

There is _no _way Koizumi won't get the wrong idea about this.

"Here."

"And this is...?"

"Just take it. It's for you." Ugh, called that, too. His eyes lit up, even though he still looked confused, as I gave him Taniguchi's 'treat'.

"Ah, thank you, Kyon, but..."

"No questions. Seriously, just take it."

He slowly removed the gaudy wrapping and lid. I could see him fighting to control a huge grin and squeal of delight at the chocolate cake, but another thought must have crossed his mind, because his face immediately fell.

"What's the catch?" Shit, did he catch me? Make something up, quick, brain! "Between your obvious attitude towards me and the obvious negative reaction inevitable of Miss Suzumiya, this can't be without a catch." Come on, come on!

"You ever think I might consider you as a friend? And I'm not allowed to give a friend a gift?"

"Ah, no, but..."

"But what?"

"This kind of thing... have you considered that it may be giving me the wrong impression?" His eyes averted, his cheeks tinged pink. I knew this would happen.

"Just eat the damn cake."

He accepted it quietly.

Later, after the girls had stopped in to drop off some stuff before extorting more innocents, Koizumi and I were still playing Othello.

Suddenly, I noticed something distinctly _off _about him. He was obviously agitated, but I didn't know how or why, until his cheeks tinged with a blush again and he began constantly shifting in his seat.

"What the _hell _was in that cake?" His voice was worried and breathy.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Like _hell_ you don't." He was breathing heavily by this point, almost as though he were (but, no, it couldn't be, could it?) _aroused._

What the hell did Taniguchi put in that cake?

Suddenly, Koizumi climbed over the table and into my lap, too quickly for me to react. I was quickly proved correct in my guess about the origin of his discomfort when his obvious erection pressed into my hip.

"I hope you're willing to accept the consequences for drugging me, because I'm fairly certain surreptitiously slipping me aphrodesiacs is a definite invitation for this." His tounge slid down my neck while a hand slid up my shirt and he ground his crotch into mine.

Wait, aphrodesiacs? The hell kind of prank is this? Where's the punchline here, Taniguchi?

"I didn't drug you on purpose! Taniguchi gave me 100 bucks to give that to you, I didn't know what was in it!"

For a moment, I thought he'd ignored me completely, since his hands were still working on removing my pants as quickly as possible.

"That sucks for you, because now I'm all hot and bothered, not to mention all alone in a room with you." He nipped and sucked his way accross my jawline before catching my lips in the wettest, sloppiest, most desperate kiss I'd ever been subjected to, not to mention the _only _one with _another guy_. "I need you right now."

Well, shit.

Before I could even get my brain to register the thought of the usual fake-but-cheerful Koizumi this horny, my pants were gone and my ass was against the cold surface of the table. Suddenly, my shirt and blazer were gone as well, but the tie remained, since Koizumi seemed unable to keep his mouth off my skin long enough to fumble with it. He sucked and licked a sloppy trail past where the waistband of my pants should have been.

"S-stop..." I managed to hiss out before the same hot, wet mouth that had visited every other area of my body finally closed around my aching boner.

I'd already had experience with his skill set in regards to that utterly damnable mouth, but nothing could have prepared me for how those skills translated to use on a hard cock.

"By this point, the more you beg for me to stop, the hornier I'll get. I wouldn't be able to turn back now."

I didn't grasp the meaning of his words at all, seeing as all of my attention was focussed on the feeling of his lips gently, agonizingly, brushing my erection with every word. He slowly dragged his dastardly tongue down my entire length. A voice that sounded suspiciously like my own echoed in a moan around the small clubroom, but that couldn't _possibly_ have been me, could it? There's no way I would make those types of noises for a _guy_, right?

Without warning, Koizumi, somehow completely naked by this point, straddled me on the table, sucking three fingers in the sluttiest, most seductive way I had ever seen in my life, far past anything in my craziest fantasies.

Not for the first time this afternoon, a thought crossed my mind about 'where the _hell_ did he learn to do _that_?'.

The slick fingers '_pop_'ed out of his mouth, slid down his chest and side, and ended up at his ass.

Woah, woah, wait. He isn't going to...

The first finger slid slowly into his tight entrance, his entire body pushing back to meet it.

I shouldn't find this sexy, not at all, not in any way, I really shouldn't... oh, hell.

The way he gasped after inserting the second finger bypassed my logic and shot straight for my dick. The loud moan as the third finger entered and he found his spot had me gasping for air, my panting nearly as aroused as his.

He slowly lowered himself onto my waiting member, thighs trembling with arousal and strain. He paused, dragging in shuddering breaths, and I felt him adjust around me.

He'd just begun to move again, slowly lifting himself off my manhood, when someone burst into the room. We sprang apart, scrambling for clothing, so quickly I'm really suprised neither of us broke anything. When I finally got hold of my bearings, holding what may very well have been Koizumi's shirt to cover my crotch, I took in just who had entered the brigade room.

"Taniguchi? What the hell are you doing here?" He didn't look nearly as embarrassed as he should have, instead settling on a version of guilt. "What the hell did you put in that cake?"

"Just a little something to make him horny. The plan was for him to molest Asahina, which would totally get him shit-deep in trouble."

"And you didn't think to ask someone who would know, meaning _me_, who he already had his eye on?"

"We assumed that, like every healthy teenage guy one earth, he'd go after Asahina, who happens to be the cutest girl alive. How were we supposed to know he was into, well, _that_?"

"Can you please leave, now?" Koizumi had erected that flawless facade once again, though slightly marred by the tinge of embarrassment in his cheeks.

"Oh, uh, yeah, sorry." He turned, slamming the door behind him.

Koizumi sighed in relief, clothing himself properly. I belatedly followed suit, barely buttoning my uniform shirt when the brigade's females returned.

"Good to see you two didn't destroy anything when left alone togeth-... What's that, Kyon?" I followed her angrily pointing finger to the gigantic, obvious hickey gracing my collarbone, courtesy of Koizumi's thrice-accursed, talented mouth.

"Ah, bruise. I, um, fell awkwardly this morning."

Haruhi pouted at the obvious lie but dropped the subject.

"Have you at least come up with a solution to the pranksters?"

"It was Taniguchi and Kunikida, I helped, Koizumi can vouch. Can we go home, now, please?"

The grin that spread accross her features was the last thing I was expecting to see. "Ha hah! So I was correct! That's a wrap, brigade. Dismissed!"

And she left.

I was slightly dumbfounded by the suddenness of the conclusion, watching the girls all drop off supplies and leave.

I struggled to gather my bearings and leave when a now-much-too-familiar body pressed against my back.

"Don't even begin to think that this is the last time we'll do this, Kyon. It's too late to go back, now that I've had a taste."

His tongue ran along the shell of my ear, punctuating the threat. He cheerily grinned and briskly walked off.

Well, shit.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Kyon!"

"No."

"Bu- wha- Hear me out, man!"

So, with Taniguchi following me like some kind of deranged duckling, I returned to the stifling confines of the classroom. Maybe, if I'd been able to sleep at all the past week, I would've let him say what he had to say, but I was running on empty this morning. Really, it _was_ mostly Taniguchi's fault I hadn't gotten any rest, so I was totally justified in taking it out on him.

Some of it was Haruhi's late-night ghost hunts, but most of it was _his _stupid, douchebag prank.

I'd rather blame it on him than the _other_ guy, who may have been more directly involved, but I'm working_ really _hard to keep him _out of my goddamn head_!

...Ugh, maybe _hard_ wasn't a good word choice here.

I slumped over my desk, trying to think of absolutely anything except _him _and _hard _at the same time. Haruhi kicked the back of my chair with all her usual grace.

As graceful as a baby giraffe on ice.

"Kyoooon!"

I groaned into my sleeve.

"You'd better be awake tonight! We're patrolling the last sector of the city!" Yeah, yeah, I know, the part with... "The graveyard, remember? The graveyard! Aren't you pumped? There'll totally be weird stuff happening!" You have _no_ idea, really.

"Hooray." Oh, yes, Nagato herself would be jealous of how monotone that sounded.

"Show some enthusiasm! Why're you even in the Brigade if you don't care?" One day, doctors will pay _millions_ to dissect her brain. Really, I'd like the results.

"Settle down, settle down. Oi, SHUT UP!" I muffled a snicker as the chalk came into contact with the back of Taniguchi's head. Not _nearly_ enough revenge, but it's a start.

Haruhi 'huff'ed and sat back in her seat. It was shaping up to be a long day.

I take it back. I didn't know the _meaning_ of the word. By the time the brigade got to the graveyard, I felt like I could quite happily collapse onto one of the graves.

And that was just the beginning.

Because Haruhi was, well, Haruhi, I expected something weird to happen. Splitting up into groups was normal, me ending up with Koizumi was an expected suprise (screw you, Murphy), and the slight chill that suddenly swept through the graveyard could be explained with science. But when we'd walked aimlessly for what felt like _hours_ to me (maybe I was just tired), it was still only 10:13.

"Hey, Koizumi."

"Hm?"

"Didn't we meet up at nine-something?"

"Yes...?"

"It feels like that was forever ago."

"You've noticed as well?"

"Huh?" That actually suprised me. When I turned to look at him, his usual fabricated expression was gone. Totally. He looked, I guess, _concerned_, mostly. Eyebrows slightly furrowed, mouth in a straight line, all that stuff.

"While I sincerely hope it is not the case, it seems Miss Suzumiya so greatly wants something to happen tonight, and so strongly believes that something _will_, in fact, happen, granted she waits long enough, she has distorted the sense of time in the area."

"You lost me."

"Look, just check your watch. If I'm right, it hasn't changed much."

I looked. Even the second hand had barely moved. "Crap."

He winced. "Excellent."

"So, what do we do? Can we fix it, somehow?"

"I'm sure you could." Of course, emphasis on _you._ Because, for some god-awful reason, Haruhi can _always_ be swayed out of using physics-bending, god-like powers by _my _opinion.

I hate my life.

"The primary objective would be-"

"You said that on purpose."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You just wanted to sound like a spy, or something."

He chuckled. "Well, I _am _an agent of a top-secret organization."

"Isn't the situation a little more serious than you're making it out to be?"

He sighed, concerned face back on. "She's enjoying herself in the spooky atmosphere. As long as she's happy, and this time distortion doesn't cause any trouble, I'm not concerned."

"Except that you are."

"So, you noticed." Another chuckle. A sigh. "What we need to figure out first is what she's expecting. It's odd that she's patiently waiting instead of causing something to appear. It's... abnormal. I'm uncertain of what we should do."

"Well, that gives me a huge boost of confidence."

"You'll figure it out. You haven't failed us yet."

Hours later, according to my internal clock, brought us to 10:57. We'd ended up waiting in the abandoned temple (the only place creepier than the abandoned graveyard itself), and still hadn't gotten any further in figuring out how to placate Haruhi.

"Think she's tired yet?"

"I know I am."

"That doesn't give you an excuse to sleep on me." I pushed his head off of my shoulder.

Since The Incident, I didn't think I could handle physical contact. My brain still registered him as 'that stupid, smiley bastard, Koizumi', while my body had taken to remembering him as 'oh god yes do that again'. I was fine playing board games in the brigade room, but when he took to casually invading my personal space, as is his creepy-ass hobby, my brain was suddenly in disaggreement with the rest of me. Thus, my rules of personal space were to be firmly kept at all times.

"Mmmm, what if sleeping isn't what I had in mind?" He'd returned himself to my general area. Not good.

...Shit. Scratch that, all of that. He must've had some ESPer powers I wasn't aware of, because he managed to completely shut down my arguing brain with the first touch of his lips.

"The way I figure it, we have plenty of percieved time until the actual time is midnight. That's when she said we'd leave, yes?"

"I have no idea what you just said, but shut up and get on with it."

"Alright." His fingers slid slowly up my sides, bringing my shirt off my head and my dick to attention. "Ready?"

"Fuck yes." His mouth crashed into mine and his hand snuck below the belt. I'd completely forgotten where we were when he grabbed me through my pants. "Just do it, already!"

"That's not quite right." He smirked, kissing my jaw. "The phrase should be, 'just do me'."

"God, yes." I moaned in agreement.

Suddenly, it broke through the Koizumi/sex fog and registered. If he said I should say 'do me', that would imply that _I_ would be the one getting done. As in, his... _that_ would be in my _there_.

"Woah. Woah, woah, woah. No." I held him off with one hand, suddenly realizing his shirt wasn't there.

...For that matter, my clothes were gone without me knowing, too.

Argh, that's not the important part, here!

"What?" He pouted.

"I'm not taking it."

A (low, husky, sexy) laugh. "You had your turn on top. Time to give me _my_ turn."

Great logic, that. At least, that's what my traitorous cock was implying. Quick, brain, think of an excuse! Um, um, uh...

"Do you even know where we are?"

"A temple in a graveyard."

"Aren't you creeped out by that?"

"Mmhmm. Exciting, isn't it?"

"You're fucked up." My mouth said, although _other places_ were wholeheartedly agreeing with him.

"That's no good. You're supposed to be the fucked one." _Yes, please._ Who would ever think that I would see the day I was utterly betrayed by my own manhood?

"'S'not what I said." I managed through a moan as he started with that damn mouth again.

"Shut up." He growled in a very not-Koizumi way. "You were warned. Just give in."

Against all better judgement, I did. He slowly worked his way down, all tongue and fingers and general _sex_, barely pausing to touch my desperately waiting dick, all the way down to...

Oh, fuck. That's not what I expected at all.

Suddenly, I was a moaning, writhing mess under the _fucking awesome_ things he was doing to my ass. "More."

"Aren't you glad you let me do this?"

"Oh, fuck, shut the fuck up, fuck me!"

"With pleasure."

A desperate whine came from the general vicinity of my mouth when all that _damn amazing_ touching suddenly stopped.

"Please..."

"Please what?"

"Oh, god, please, just put something in me!"

That chuckle should have warned me of what was coming next. I moaned loudly enough to wake the dead.

It felt like my whole being was filled with _Koizumi._ Maybe that was just because all I could feel was the _holy shit amazing don't you dare stop_ sensation of his insanely huge, impossibly hard length in my _oh fuck how does that even? fuck yes_ ass. Fuck.

It hurt like a _bitch _when he started moving. For a second, I was worried I had to be a masochist or something, 'cause I was still incredibly aroused, but that thought joined the rest in flying out the window when he found... _something._

He knew he found it, too, cocky son-of-a-bitch. He suddenly gained momentum, pounding _hard, _directly into that spot.

I screamed. My vision went blank. It was... fucking intense.

By the time I'd gathered my senses, he'd snuggled into my side, chuckling.

"Enjoy yourself?"

Cocky bastard. I grimaced at the disgusting white mess on my stomach.

"I can't believe I let you do that."

"Want me to do it again?"

"Cocky bastard."

"Ah, but you enjoy my cock."

"Sick prick." I pushed him off, glaring at his stupid face as he laughed at me. "Just get dressed, we need to find Haruhi."

I grabbed the first item of clothing within reach, discovered it wasn't mine, and was about to return it to Koizumi when I realized he was unnaturally quiet. I turned to see he'd gone pale, actually scared for the first time in this creepy place.

"That won't be necessary."

"Huh?" I followed his wide-eyed gaze to...

"Shit! Haruhi, what're you...?"

"Kyon." Her eyes narrowed menacingly as she stared into my soul. Or, y'know, maybe it was just that she was pissed off and I was naked. Never a good situation.

"Koizumi-kun. Kyon. Get dressed. It's time to leave."

And, suddenly, she was gone, trailing a tangible aura of being totally and completely pissed off.

"We fucked up."

"I couldn't have said it better myself. Well, now, my part-time job awaits. I'll see you at school tomorrow, if I survive" The bastard was grinning with his usual fabricated cheer.

"Don't try to guilt-trip me. This is all on you."

"And totally worth every moment."

"What?"

"Goodnight!" He pressed his lips to my cheek briefly before sliding them back to my ear. "Let me know when you're up for round three."

Well. Fuck.

**So, yes. I decided to continue this and discontinue 'Koi'. There was way too much wrong with it and Koizumi is too hard for me to write.**

**And, yes, this is just an excuse for me to write plotless smut.**

**...Although, it's way easier for me to write from the top's point of view. So, this was a bit more difficult. Give me feedback, tell me if it reads awkwardly, if it's better or worse than the first chapter, if you think I should continue with it, maybe work in some real plot. It'd be nice.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Huh. Short chapter. No sex. THIS STORY HAS A PLOT? I feel like I committed blasphemy against myself. Anyway, yeah, obligatory 'Haruhi reaction chapter'. Because she's JUST A LITTLE BIT important. Anyway. This chapter is like an insert so I don't feel like I'm completely ignoring the world when I continue writing smut chapters. Because there WILL be more.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

It was getting harder and harder for him to hide his injuries.

So, I know, I know, that's kind of a weird place to start, but that's kind of the basis for everything.

It meant that not only was Haruhi extremely pissed beyond all reason (again), but that she was also not exactly cooling off given time. By no means was she anywhere near 'cooling off'. Judging by the broken arm that finally alerted her to his status as an invalid, she was getting more pissed over time.

Which, in turn, meant that it was my job to fix the issue, because anything that pissed of Haruhi could be fixed by my intervention, even when it wasn't my fault.

Because it definitely wasn't my fault. It was all on Koizumi. He initiated everything, it wasn't my fault anything happened, except that it actually kind of _was_. So, in the end, I'm feeling like shit because, on some level, Koizumi was getting the shit beaten out of him because of me. My fault. Ugh.

That brings me to where I am now. I'm sitting in my usual chair in the clubroom, Haruhi is being pissed and melancholy, slumped over the desk in front of the computer. Everyone else had convenient places to be, conveniently made up on the spot.

Suffice to say, it wasn't the first time I'd been in this situation. Well, mostly. But whatever. Point is, I'd done this same thing a million times, trying to figure out how to defuse the destructive power that is Haruhi Suzumiya, but I still had no idea what to do. It seems like every time she got upset, I had to approach the situation in a whole new way, developing and adjusting strategies as I went. Being a tactical officer in a three-party civil war wouldn't even be _half_ as difficult as this.

"Listen, Haruhi…" I tried. No, I hadn't exactly formed my plan, but it was a start.

It failed. She turned on some music on her computer, loud enough to drown me out. Awesome.

So, new plan. I ought to be able to judge her mood by the music she's listening to, right? Great plan, me.

Or so you'd think.

The music she was playing wasn't even in Japanese. It was something with an acoustic guitar in English. I barely understood a few words, and that certainly wasn't enough to figure anything out by.

"What're you listening to?"

"Taylor Swift." At least, that's what I figured out she said later. I didn't quite hear her, since her face was in her arms.

I gave her the kind of nonplussed expression befitting of the situation, seeing as I had no idea what she was talking about.

"She's popular in America."

I would normally have said something along the lines of 'yeah, I guessed that already', but she was in Extremely Pissed Mode, somewhere right before Remake the World Mode. It would, quite literally, be suicide to say anything that could possibly upset her even a little at this point.

"So, what's the song about?"

"Listen for yourself." I put on my best 'and just how do you expect me to do that?' face. "What, do you not understand English?"

"Well, no. I'm barely scraping my grade in that class. You should know that, seeing as you sit behind me."

She gave me a pout over her arm pillow. That pout that said 'ugh, you're so useless!'. The one I knew so very well.

She sighed heavily, sat up, and translated a bit of it.

"So, it's about Romeo and Juliet? Didn't they kill themselves at the end of the story?"

She glared heatedly. Shit.

"There's a happy ending in the song, you know."

No, I wouldn't know. I've never heard the song, nor do I know what it means. Once again, I held my tongue.

She slumped back down. The song went on for another minute or so before changing to another. This one sounded different, and I'm pretty sure the singer was different, too. I tried as tactfully as possible to ask her to translate this one, too. I thought for a second I'd failed and she was going to get pissed again, but then her frown smoothed out and she sat up.

"Basically, this girl is dating a guy who tells her she's not good enough all the time, and there's this other guy-"

"She's cheating on him?" Crap. I didn't stop myself fast enough. She frowned again but continued.

"No, she's not. But this other guy likes her, and tells her she's pretty and funny and irresistible and stuff. In English it's called _**'According to You'**_."

Huh. Now why does that sound familiar?

"In the song, she's basically telling her boyfriend that there's not even a contest and she should totally dump him for this other guy."

"So, why doesn't she?"

She looked surprised. Like wide eyes, a couple blinks, the whole deal. "I-I kinda assumed she does."

"But what if she's not exactly attracted to the other guy?"

"But he's a good guy-"

"That doesn't mean much if he's ugly as hell and the guy she's with is like, I dunno, boy-band pretty."

"You're so shallow! It's the inside that counts!"

Ah. That's where it's familiar. She's the pretty one with the horrible personality. That makes me the (ugh) _girl_ that's singing the song. And the 'him' would be…. Well, _him_.

Koizumi's the one I'm not attracted to (really, seriously. Don't give me that look!) that actually compliments me and acts like he can stand my presence (more like 'can't get enough of', but I'm trying to draw parallels here).

So, what does it mean when Haruhi's listening to this song? Does she think _she's_ the one in the right? Does she think I'm the guy calling her useless? Is that what she's upset about?

Or, maybe, just maybe, does she actually realize _other people's_ feelings? Is it that she realizes how all of this crazy shit is affecting _me?_

Yeah, right.

"So, this is the kind of music you like, huh?"

She gave me a kind of look I'd never seen before. It was sort of surprised, sort of confused, sort of _incredibly, insanely happy._ Whatever I'd just done, it was something good. Let's continue on this path, shall we?

If only I knew what I did right!

"Y-yeah. I started listening to it to practice my English, and just sort of… fell in love with it."

Oh. I'd shown an interest in _her_ interests. Underneath all of the insults and contempt, I was still her 'chosen' or whatever Koizumi liked to call it.

Back to _that guy. _Because, yes, apparently my thoughts completely _revolve_ around him by now.

Which reminds me why this situation is bad.

"Haruhi…"

"It's okay, Kyon."

It was my turn to blink in surprise.

"I get it, you know. I've been kind of really horrible to you." She rested her head back on her arms, tears in her eyes for a moment before she buried her face in her own limbs. "I get it if you choose someone over me. It only makes sense." She took a deep breath and sat up abruptly. "I just never would have guessed it'd be a _guy_! I mean, really, with someone like Mikuru around, it'd be totally understandable if you were to fall for her, but a _guy?_"

"Well, y'know, it's kind of a long story-"

"Don't even start! I don't even care!" She stood up and started walking. Right before the door, she spun around, hands on her hips and feet planted firmly. "Don't blow it with him! If you're going to dump me for a guy, it'd better be the best romance to ever happen EVER!" And with that, she stormed out.

….Well, shit.

* * *

**That bold and italic thing was supposed to suggest it was originally said in English, assuming all dialogue (and thoughts, for that matter) was originally in Japanese. Just so you know.**


End file.
